September

So this was looking like all I had to look forward to. Pain was beginning to be all I expected out of life. Do you know how unfair that is? Do you know how amazing it was to be up and around, hanging out with my friends like the last four months never happened? One day, I was up and feeling perfect and the next day, I was laying back in bed staring out the window at what my life could be, but isn't.

While every one was at school, I laid in bed at home, usually sleeping most of the time. My counselor at school and my mom both decided that until we worked this out, the "504 option" was going to be my best bet at graduating on time. Basically, I was still enrolled in school, but when I was not able to attend school, a tutor would come to my house to help me work on what I couldn't understand on my own. When I went back to school, my tutor would help me into the transition, with getting caught up.

I just hoped I was back in school by the end of the year, but honestly I had no idea if I'd ever be back. It seemed like such a far away goal when it was hard enough for me to even sit up and get out of bed.

We went back to the doctor who had ordered for the surgery. All she could do was shake her head and shrug. Once again, she looked at me like I was crazy. I was not crazy. However, I might become crazy if I had to keep living in this pain for the rest of my life.

She ordered that I have a few tests done, and go to see a physical therapist. What could it hurt? If it would help, I would do anything.

Early one morning, I woke up to go to the physical therapist for a consultation. They wanted to meet with me first because they weren't sure how much they could do for me. But after our first meeting, it turned out I was going to need a lot more help, than we originally thought.

My physical therapist was in awe. as she slightly pressed down on my stomach, describing this unbelievably hard muscle that circled around where my pain was.

If you know me well, you know what I'm talking about. You know that I have placed you hang on my stomach, in the middle of a conversation, and made you feel how tight my muscles were.

This wasn't a normal kind of tight. My muscles were so rock solid, that you could hardly press down on them at all, and not only that, but the physical therapist said that my muscles were just constantly spasming, constantly tense, unable to relax. It's like my brain was fighting my body.

Week after week, the little pushes into my muscles and working some of that tense muscle out, became more and more intense. But each week, it was the same problem. It's like I made progress every hour I was there, only to get home and make backwards progress until the next time they saw me.

Monday, Wednesday, and Friday were physical therapy. Tuesday and Thursday were tutoring. This was my life now. My world just revolved around this constant pain.

As physical therapy got more intense, so did the pain. I would sob all the way through my appointments, along with my physical therapist, who just felt horrible, but knew that what she was doing had to help me. I would cry all the way there, all the way through my appointment, all the way home, and all the way through the night, until my body was so exhausted I would just fall asleep.

All I did was cry. Everything made me cry. And no one could handle that, so once again I was alone.

With Homecoming coming up, I had no idea how I was going to get there. I had no idea what I was going to do if I couldn't be there with all of my friends. So every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday we worked as hard as I could stand to try and get me back to normal, we worked so hard that I would sit up from the table, literally light headed from how much pain I was in.

Tutoring was equally as hard, as I had to be able to sit up and balance a book against my stomach for two hours while I tried to get my mind off of pain and focus on catching up on material that I had missed in school.

Because I wasn't well enough to get out and shop for my Homecoming dress, every day I looked online at new places for an amazing dress that NO ONE else would have. People thought I was pregnant with some sort of miracle child, so I had to show up to that dance looking AMAZING.

I showed up to the game, feeling completely lost in a sea of people. It's very hard for me to get up and down stairs, so once I got down the stadium stairs and found an open seat, I sat down. Because all of my friends were up in the student section and having too much fun, I sat down with Megan. Not only because I was having a good time with her and Nick, but also because being there was hurting me so bad that it was impossible for me to make it back up those stairs until I had to.

Another instance where it was obvious how much my pain had differenced me from my friends.

Sure, I could have been short with them every once in a while, or not reply to a text because I was asleep... But it felt like I was being punished for hurting. It was so hard for me to get out of the house and up and around, and instead of having people tell me how good it was to see me, or ask me how I was feeling, or telling me they were so proud of me for getting out, I was isolated. Only because I do everything my friends did.

From the game, us girls went to Ally's house to get ready. Immediately, all of the girls dispersed around the house with their moms, doing their hair and makeup for the dance. I don't think they realized how bad I was hurting. I don't think they realized how hard it was for me to be out with them.

While everyone quickly ran upstairs to get ready, I sat down on the floor of the basement "waiting for my mom." I was hurting so bad and so flustered from all the pain that instantly hit me. I tried to start getting ready and just broke down in tears. When my mom did finally get there, we got set up on the main floor and did my makeup away from everyone else only because I couldn't get to where everyone else was.

I was the last to get ready, and I had the right. I was beyond in pain, but had to smile pretty for the pictures.

I suffered through pictures and did my best to keep smiling. Being able to see Nick, waiting with my corsage made it all worth it though.

After group pictures, we went to my house for, what else, Panda Express. From dinner, we headed over to the dance. By that time, I knew. I knew it was going to be a long night. I knew I wasn't going to make it all the way through

I danced as long as I could and as much I could without hurting myself too much, but all of the sudden I felt drawn to the girls locker room. I almost ran there without telling anyone where I was going. And all of the sudden, I threw up all of my dinner. Because obviously, my body didn't think that I was getting enough rumors about being pregnant.

I stayed at the dance waiting for one slow song, running back and forth from the dance floor to the bathroom, getting rid of any thing I ate all day. Once I got my one slow song with Nick, I went home while my friends stayed at the dance and had fun. That was the worst feeling, but who was I to take away their fun just because I wasn't having any?

The girls spent the night and even though they were there, I felt so far away from them.

If my friends spending the night didn't even make me feel better about our friendship, I didn't know what would. And never mind the broken friendships, but if everything I was doing wasn't enough to get better, I didn't know what else to do, without going completely drastic.

I was only fifteen... I wasn't ready to completely give up any remaining chances I had, at one day WAY in the future, having kids.