August

My recovery began and it was time for me to get back in shape and get ready to go back to school.

I was cramming all the summer I could into this last 18 days even though I still wasn't feeling quite the way I should be feeling by this point, after my surgery. I knew I shouldn't be hurting, but every once in a while I would wake up in a pain that didn't allow me to leave bed.

One day, just to prove that I was okay and that my surgery had fixed all my problems, my mom, Nick, and I hiked the incline. It was grueling, tiring, and no fun whatsoever. But it was exactly what my mom intended it to be. Proof. Proof that I was okay. If I could do the incline, I could do anything.

From then, until school started, I tried my hardest to keep myself from lying in bed all day with what we thought was "phantom pains."

The day school started, I was nervous and what you could call a total hot mess. I was late to all most all of my classes, and having the hardest time just making it through class, having to sit up. I assumed it was just my body trying to get back into shape.

I came home every day from school exhausted, in an incredible amount of pain. I figured it was nothing other than my body trying to get back into shape and getting used to doing something with my days.

Three days after school started, Nick invited me to go swimming, what I thought was an attempt to make me happy and keep me from getting discouraged by school. We drove further than I thought we would and I was beginning to get a little confused. When he wanted to go to the park before we went swimming, I was even more puzzled as to what he was trying to do. I went along with the plan, but was a little hesistant. I did NOT dress for this.

All of the sudden, from behind the play equiptment came all of my family and friends! I started to cry instantly, realizing what was going on. My fifteenth birthday wasn't for another week, but it never hurt to celebrate early! All of the friends I hadn't gotten to see ran up hugging me and wishing me a happy birthday.

This was exactly what I needed to keep me in a good mood, and keep me from giving up.

All afternoon we swam in the rain and talked non-stop. I couldn't have been any happier at that very moment. It was all I needed to be reassured that I could do this. That I would be okay.

It was just what I needed and as happy as I was to see my friends, it was still how evident how different all of our lives had become from one another. I ignored whatever feelings being on a completely different thought process brought on, and enjoyed the day. My day. My birthday.

The next week at school was rough, and I only made it through Thursday before I came home and melted into the couch, completely exhausted.

What was going on? I had the surgery. I'd done everything I could, and yet I was still in pain and still having the same problems.

I made it through my birthday, doing the only thing I wanted to do-- hang out with my friends and get my nose and belly button pierced. I figured that I'd been through enough pain that piercings were not going to be bad at all, and with everything I'd been through, I deserved these two piercings! (Right Mom!? ;))

For the rest of August, I struggled to make it to and from school, staying only for half a day or coming in late before I finally stopped going to school all together.

I had gone from having my life back, to the same pain I'd been in for almost four months now, in hardly any time at all. I was doing everything I could to get better and it wasn't enough. I  was finally thinking that I was back on track for getting better and having a happy, healthy life back.

What else did I have to do? I wasn't sure what I did to deserve all of this pain, but whatever I did, it must have been awful. Having to lose my life to this excruciating pain, metaphorically speaking, was something I could not wish on anyone, not even those who had done me wrong.