March

After a rough and painful month of passing kidney stones, I went back to school and began to get back into the swing of things. It was weird being in bed one day, and back in school the next. The pain went down over night and it was time to start getting my life back.

Although I was more than over-joyed to go back to school, it was such a familiar feeling. How many times would I have to come back to school before I got to stay there? But this time was different, this time just felt right.

I woke up every morning to go to school and although I had some sense of direction, I felt totally lost. For the past year, my only goal has been healing and returning back to good health. And now that I was healthy, I had no idea what I wanted to do with myself. I was so excited to be back with the friends that I missed so much and I was so excited to be back to the routine I'd craved, but every day I didn't know what I wanted to do, my positive mood started going down hill.

I got up, went to school, got home, slept, and worked until I couldn't hold my eyes open any longer to catch up on my school work. Since I'd been in such severe pain, I wasn't getting much school work done, and since I came back to school so unexpectedly, I was so far behind the rest of my classes that there was no time to stop and complain. I could not stop now. I'd made it so far to come back. I worked through so much pain. This is all I wanted when I was sick, but all of the sudden I had no idea what I wanted any more.

Spring break was a blessing. I spent every day with my friends and spent some time being able to be healthy and happy with the people I had worked so hard to get better for. All of the sudden, something went wrong. I went from laughing and smiling and running and swimming with my best friends over spring break, to not being able to get out of bed. And I just didn't understand why.

Why this kept happening. What I did wrong. Why I couldn't just be healthy. Why no one else had to go through this.

And I think everyone around me was starting to wonder the same. Everyone else was getting just as tired of this as I was.